Get lost, punk, or I’ll tell mum.

No, you won’t.

Good. And while you’re at it close all your other stores, fucking parasite.

“What do you have to hide?”

Grizzly murders. Loads of them!!

…
…

J/k. It’s my privacy. All those horrific murders were really easy to get away with, keeping my privacy private however…

I legitimately do not, and have never had, any of the usual social media. This lemm.ee account is the only one I have, and that’s closing down soon.

However I would also never visit the us. So it’s all a win/win for me.

"Ok Google. Send a tweet to xhitter. Say…

I am going to put certain WORDS in CAPS to accentuate them for REASONS that no one can really understand. Then I’m going to SPOUT bullshit about the traitors flying high miles away from any DANGER but I’ll laughingly call them HEROIC and PATRIOTIC.
Then I’ll touch my little mushroom peepee and do a nazi salute to MYSELF in the MIRROR.
Thank you for your attention to my EGO!!!

Send tweet.

Right, where the little kiddies at? I’m feeling super viagra masculine today!! Shit, how do I delete this. No, stop. Don’t send. Everyone IGNORE that last bit about the kiddies!! Phew, got away with that! Hegseth. HEGSETH. change me, I’ve shit myself again. Get right in there and clean the folds."

Go to a charity shop and find a cheap table and utilise the top part. Alternatively go to a DIY shop (Wickes, b&q…) and buy some ply board. If you go to b&q then some stores will cut the boards to your sizes.

If you get a table then it doesn’t matter if it is too big, just that it isn’t too heavy or expensive. The tricky part is gauging the weight as you’ll only be using the top part and getting rid of the legs etc.
Once it is home take off all the legs and everything else so there’s nothing to scuff your kitchen table.
Cut it to size and sand down the edges to make it chamfered and nice to lean on.

If you go the plyboard route you’ll probably still have to sand the edges a bit. Plyboard largest size is 1220x2440mm so depending on the thickness you may need 2 pieces of ply as one piece of 18mm ply may not be sturdy enough but 2 bits of of 12mm glued together could be perfect. You’ll have to decide the sturdiness to weight factor.

Either way get your board/old table top to your perfect size with the edges sanded smooth. On the bottom glue some felt fabric to protect your kitchen table. But leave about 50mm unglued underneath at the edges.
Screw some battens to the bottom of it and cover anything that vat touch your kitchen table with felt.

(Spray contact adhesive is good. Quick and sticky, but can be difficult to apply without spraying it everywhere. I’d use spray stuff for the big areas then paint on glue for the tricky parts)

On top get some ripstop fabric. It’s tough, water-resistant, but nice to touch. It’s a bit like thin canvas.
Glue that to the top but fold it over to the bottom about 25mm and glue.
Then glue the felt over the top of the ripstop fabric and, BOOM, you now have an overtable.

Ok, how about yahtzee? It almost has an s.

If we are being fair then the 2023 deaths were quite butthole-ish.

Which is a bit unfair. I’ve not butchered any pigs, and I’ve only ever eaten one or two humans!!

(My autocorrect switched butchered to buggered above. (Un)Luckily (?) I had time to proofread and catch it before posting.

In the stomach. We don’t want to make it too quick and painless for them.

I have boycotted them for years now, mainly because of the prices and service. And also subway, though that’s for the price gouging they did during covid.

Macdonald’s have forgotten the “fast, cheap, good. Pick two” rule.
And gone for the “slow, expensive, and yet still bad” tactic.
Fafo.

The recent support of tRUMP is just another nail in the McCoffin.

I’ve heard guillotines are coming back in to fashion…

I’ve heard those components are very sensitive and easily damaged so, protestors, please be careful. We don’t want them getting damaged beyond repair, do we…

John Wick?

Y y you brush your teeth with shit…Wait, are you Shooter McGavin?

A complete pillock

They’ve just landed after jumping the wheelchair off a ramp. Obvious, when you think about it…

Now now, there’s no need to be so evil!!

Start up your Bluetooth speaker. (Buy one if you haven’t got one. It doesn’t have to be good, just loud.)
Ramp it up to 11.
Start the most annoying obnoxious sound you have, (that you have already downloaded).
Stand next to the person playing the shitty music and aim the speaker at then.
When they complain about your annoying noise you reply, “You started it.”