https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jopy.12929
From the linked article:
Are all single people insecure? When we think about people who have been single for a long time, we may assume it’s because single people have insecurities that make it difficult for them to find a partner or maintain a relationship.
But is this true? Or can long-term single people also be secure and thriving?
Our latest research published in the Journal of Personality suggests they can. However, perhaps unsurprisingly, not everybody tends to thrive in singlehood. Our study shows a crucial factor may be a person’s attachment style.
Singlehood is on the rise
Singlehood is on the rise around the world. In Canada, single status among young adults aged 25 to 29 has increased from 32% in 1981 to 61% in 2021. The number of people living solo has increased from 1.7 million people in 1981 to 4.4 million in 2021.
At the same time, evidence suggests many single people are choosing to remain single and living happy lives.
Looking at our results more closely, we found four distinct subgroups of singles:
secure singles are relatively comfortable with intimacy and closeness in relationships (22%)
anxious singles question whether they are loved by others and worry about being rejected (37%)
avoidant singles are uncomfortable getting close to others and prioritise their independence (23% of younger singles and 11% of older long-term singles)
fearful singles have heightened anxiety about abandonment, but are simultaneously uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness (16% of younger singles and 28% of older long-term singles).
These findings should be considered alongside several relevant points. First, although most singles in our samples were insecure (78%), a sizeable number were secure and thriving (22%).
Further, simply being in a romantic relationship is not a panacea. Being in an unhappy relationship is linked to poorer life outcomes than being single.
Considering the lifescript tells people they are a failure if they are not paired off (and reproducing in the suburbs as a single income family, all unattainable goals these days), you do actually have to choose. It’s easier for a lot of people to have a string of bad relationships than “give up” as you put it, and nobody ever says “don’t date anymore!” Quite the opposite.
But at a certain point a person may realize the effort isn’t worth whatever nebulous “reward” supposedly comes from being paired off, because they can get all the same stuff from other social bonds. Then they choose to stop engaging, even passively, with the dating scene. (By passively, I mean they are no longer receptive to the idea of dating, even if the planets line up)
I see this as a very deliberate choice. It’s one I made for myself. It’s a harder choice for a lot of people because it means focusing on other relationships, building up the social circle you need to have your emotional needs met, and loving yourself as you are with no change needed to accommodate another. But it’s an equally valid choice all the same, especially when our species doesn’t do monogamy well at all, but does do social-support bonds very well.
It has nothing to do with learning to love yourself to be a better partner. People who have deliberately chosen to stay single don’t care if they are a good monogamy partner because that’s not what they are looking for, and they actively don’t want it if it does show up. Implying it is is like all those people who tell people that have chosen not to have kids “well you’ll change your mind!!” It’s dismissive of the decisions they made for themselves for reasons no-one else is privy to. And all those people who were told they’d change their mind about kids… didn’t change their mind, shockingly.