Probably semen, though.

I have a nice widescreen monitor standing unused at my desk and I work sitting cross legged in my armchair with a laptop on my lap.

Are you sure you remember it right? The time of 386 was years and years before Windows 98 or even 95. More likely it will have been running something like DOS+Windows 3.0/3.1(1) maybe? At least that’s what my 386 was running. 95/98 were Pentium era operating systems.